The Communist Daily

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A Libertarian’s Philosophy (Satire)

I think I have finally cracked the libertarian’s philosophy on every single possible issue. I’m going to now lay a few of them out for you. You’ll see a pattern, but don’t worry if you don’t, I’ll lay out the formula for you at the end.

Problem: High crime

Solution: Free markets

Problem: Crumbling infrastructure

Solution: Free Markets

Problem: Poverty

Solution: Free markets

Problem: drugs

Solution: Free markets

Problem: national security

Solution: Free Markets

Problem: Can’t find your right shoe, even though you’re sure it was here by the door earlier

Solution: Free markets

Problem: Your boss yells at you like a banshee and makes you work Saturdays

Solution: Free markets

Problem: Your sister moves to Omaha after eloping with a guy she just met in Vegas

Solution: Free markets

Problem: You are poor and hungry

Solution: Free markets

Problem: Corruption

Solution: Free Markets

Problem: You have had like a, really itchy scalp lately man

Solution: Free markets
OK, now I’ll let you do one, just to see if you’ve got it yet. (solution at the bottom of this post)

Problem: Your wife keeps forgetting to turn off the car headlights.

Solution:_____________________

 

Now, the formula is basically this, don’t worry, it’s pretty easy to understand. It goes:

Problem:_____________________

Solution: Free markets.

 

I know this is a major breakthrough in political science, so I’ll wait patiently while you all nominate me for all the prizes, awards etc. that you can.

Solution to earlier problem: Free markets.

 

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2 thoughts on “A Libertarian’s Philosophy (Satire)

  1. Excellent. Here are the extra credit questions.

    Q.What causes recessions?
    A. Government regulation
    B. Governemnt regulation
    C. Regulation by the government

    Q. What causes war?
    A. Government regulation
    B. Government regulation
    C. Governmnt regulation

    Q.Why do companies outsource their labor?
    A. Government regulation.
    B. Government regulation.
    C. Government regulation.

    Q. Why did my brilliant idea for a small-business, an online service which tells you the status of the nearest traffic light to your home, fail miserably?
    A. Government regulation.
    B. Government regulation.
    C. My business plan sucked and I’m an idiot.

    Q. Why am I still a virgin at 26?
    A. Government regulation
    B. Government regulation.
    C. Because I am a self-important, egotistical person with a god-complex and poor hygeine.
    D. All women are stupid sluts with inferior intelligence and they love government regulation.

    BONUS ESSAY QUESTION: Explain how we libertarians can logically claim that success or failure is entirely the responsiblity of the individual, as there is no such thing as “society”, while simultaneously blaming all our personal failures to succeed on the government. Write at least 400 words, and HURRY UP because I need to post this answer in a discussion forum ASAP.

    (Answers may vary, but should revolve around the theme of “personal responsibity for minorities, blame government for the failures of white people. This belief should be described as reasonble, rational, self-evident, etc. )

    • Elementary my dear Watson, you see, government produces nothing good. Only good can come from unrestricted multi-national corporations who are free from all laws and rules, or accountability. Everyone knows this. QED.

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